How (and why) to shift from fear to love.
Alt text: Kate stands in front of a small group of students in a yoga barn. Her eyes are closed as she regulates her nervous system from mountain pose.
*Originally published March 2, 2020
If we had to massively simplify the disagreements in ideology that are all around us, I would boil it down to differing opinions on the answer to this question: At what point is fear the rational choice?
A recent example of this is the variety of reactions to the coronavirus outbreak. Even in the relatively homogenous bubble of my personal network of friends and family, I have seen reactions on either end of the spectrum, from “it’s basically just another version of the flu--relax and live your life!” to “Here are 5 different 20-minute videos that will explain to you how to wash your hands, and it is urgent that you view these immediately, as soon as you get back from buying 3 months of emergency quarantine supplies!”
Fear is palpable, contagious, and has the power to keep us alive or to destroy us. It can make us come together in solidarity, and it can make us turn on each other in unthinkable ways.
What the heck do we do with it all?
From a nervous system/neuroscience perspective, I would argue that fear is only really useful in moments when our lives are in immediate physical danger. The classic example of this is “running from a tiger”, which is irrelevant for the majority of the human population at this point.
Most of the modern scenarios I can think of that match this description don’t even necessarily require FEAR, they simply require INSTINCTS, which happen before we can even form a thought or belief about it. This makes the vast majority of our fear somewhat useless--most of the fear we have is about something that hasn’t even happened to us (we could also define that as anxiety). We spend our mental energy thinking through all the things that could go wrong with any given scenario, and then we use the emotion that arises from that as our motivation and fuel for taking action.The problem is not that we are trying to be prepared (I’m super happy about the people who are taking action right now to contain the coronavirus), but that we are using fear as a motivation to prepare. Fear takes us into threat, and when we are in threat we are operating from our LEAST RATIONAL capacity. Fear is a drama queen. In order to use the part of our brain that is capable of big picture problem-solving, empathetic relating, seeing possibility, staying grounded and data-driven, and staying cooperative and collaborative, we must not be in a state of perceived threat.
Many would argue that all that nice sounding utopian jibber jabber I just mentioned is great for when things are mellow, but NOW IS NOT THE TIME, KATE! There is crisis at the (person, place or thing) and the (fill in the group of people we are currently other-ing) are trying to (verb of choice) our (noun)! We need to act fast before they destroy our ability to (insert colonialist behavior here)! Sure, ok, there are times when we DO need to have a sense of urgency and complete commitment to an outcome, and fear is a short-cut to getting that urgency and commitment. But there are better ways to increase the stakes and change the tempo, ways that are much more sustainable and do way less damage. When we can become 100% committed to what we are doing because of what we LOVE, not because of what we FEAR, it changes the game, and allows us to live in a world full of continuous threats with a sense of unbreakable connection, curiosity, trust and possibility.
The biggest challenge I see is that it is very difficult to switch to that type of long-term thinking when we are chronically under-resourced in the short-term. As long as we, as a society, accept the conditions of millions of people living without housing, without healthcare, without access to basic nutrition, without retirement security, without social connection and support (and I could go on), we will all experience some low-level threat, pretty much all the time, unless we are totally not paying attention (welcome to America!). I would also argue that these outcomes are the fallout of a culture that indulges in short-term fear-based motivation over long-term love-based vision.
So here’s the catch 22, on both a personal level and a societal level: As long as fear is our driver, we will not be able to solve our biggest problems, but until we reduce threat, fear will continue to drive our decisions and create more problems. What’s a girl/country to do?
Fear and potential threat are a part of life, we can't change that. However, we can change our response, which will change our level of stress resilience, our experience, our motivation and our outcomes significantly.
Here are some practices that help me to reduce perceived threat in my mind and body, so that I can return to a resilient, problem-solving mindset:
I regulate my nervous system on a physiological level, by taking slow, deep breaths into my belly, and lengthening my exhale. Other physical and stress-relieving comforts are also important: touch, warmth, sleep, food, yoga and exercise are all key for me.
I ask myself: “What is currently having a bigger influence on how I am thinking/feeling/believing? My LOVE or my FEAR?” If I discover that it is my FEAR, I remind myself that this is not the place from which to make important decisions, and I take a break or "sleep on it".
I ask myself, “When I think of this decision/subject, do I feel my body expand or contract?” If it’s the latter, for me that usually means I am still in threat, and I continue to work on a physiological level to let my body relax and start to feel expansive. Pro tip about relaxing: If your body can’t do it, your brain can’t do it, so start at the physical level.
Once I am regulated, I can start doing intentional practices to increase my sense of possibility, hope and connection to myself and others. I have a lot of practices for this: Journaling, coaching conversations, creative expression, visioning solutions to the world's problems, spending time with friends and nature, running with my playlist of self-empowerment pop anthems, the list goes on.
From there, decisions get easier (and more fun), the future starts seeming bright again, and the totally rational fact that nearly anything is possible is once again made apparent.
As complex as some of the decisions in life are, the barometer of LOVE vs. FEAR is both simple and effective, if you're willing to trust how far love can take you.
INTEGRATE:
Take some time to get resourced and rested, and then sit down with the following journal prompt:
If I made all of my decisions based on what I love instead of what I’m afraid of, what would I do differently?