Ten Self-Trust Practices for Building Authentic Confidence (Even if You’re an Over-thinker)
Alt text: Kate sits at a coffee shop with her laptop and a knowing smile. You can faintly see the sticker on her laptop, an image of Tim Gunn that says “Make It Work”.
At one point in the late 90’s, I watched the movie, American Beauty, several times in a row.
There’s a scene where Annette Bening’s character, an aspiring real estate agent, is listening to a self-help cassette tape in her car after having spent the entire day trying (and failing) to sell her first house. She repeats along with the tape, “In order to be successful one must project the image of success.”
This “fake it til you make it” ethos seems to be a popular approach to building confidence, but I can’t help but wonder: Does it actually lead to the improved outcomes and deepened connections that we are hoping for, or is it just a relic of a capitalistic work culture of dominance, bravado and false claims that actually erodes our ability to trust ourselves?
Don’t get me wrong: Nothing beats the feeling of genuine confidence. Confidence can give us more energy, it can put us in a flow state where we do our best work with ease, and it can help us to feel optimistic about our outcomes. When we show up with confidence, we become more trustworthy to others, because we trust ourselves.
As someone who researches the scarcity mindset, the feeling of authentic confidence strikes me as its opposite: Confidence is the mindset that we are good enough, that we have enough of what it takes to get the job done, and that there will be enough of what we need to follow through on our commitments, now and in the future.
Appealing though all of that may be, I remain skeptical of the way we are interpreting confidence in our culture.
Have you ever noticed that some of the most brilliant people you know can also appear to be the least confident?
This may be because of a cognitive bias called “The Dunning Kruger effect”. which describes the phenomenon where the less we know about a subject, the more likely we are to overestimate our ability and feel confident that we understand it.
Meanwhile, the more expertise we develop, the more likely we are to be humbled by how much we still have to learn, as we start to see how vast and complex the subject really is, which results in the opposite effect where high-performers tend to underestimate their abilities.
This means that those with higher levels of confidence are sometimes LESS competent and knowledgeable than those who are willing to say “I have more questions than answers about that”.
For people who value critical thinking, integrity and truth-seeking, it may be more important to be honest than to appear confident. When we acknowledge that life is full of contradiction, complexity, nuance and the inability to genuinely control what will happen next, confidence may also come with some caveats.
If someone was about to jump off a ledge and into your arms, the confident response would be “I 100% have this and will catch you no matter what!”, but if you aren’t sure whether that will really be the outcome then it may be more honest and safe to admit that there is a chance they will fall flat on their face.
We have all been around people who possess what we might call “false confidence”: A self-image based on lies and grandiose fantasies and upheld through behaviors of manipulation and control (a certain former president comes to mind). False confidence is actually driven by scarcity mindset: If we believe that we can never genuinely be enough, or get enough of what we need, we may fixate on creating an “image of success” as a way of protecting ourselves from the truth of our insecurities. False confidence is an emperor with no clothes, upheld not by trust but by fear.
This may be another reason why thoughtful, integrity-focused people tend to shy away from claiming their confidence until they have proven, with little doubt, that it is deserved and repeatable.
We might call this longer process of building self-trust over time “slow confidence”. Much like the “slow food” movement, slow confidence cares about the ingredients that go into it, takes time to allow the process that leads to the best outcomes, and does not cut corners.
Slow confidence is powerful because it is not easily shaken, but it does present a bit of a catch 22: The only way to gain evidence to prove that our confidence is merited is by taking action, but many of us are waiting on confidence to show up before we will take action.
As a coach, I often see people get stuck on this ledge, trying to figure out how to make the leap. This is where the unhelpful mental habits of perfectionism, self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and overthinking are most likely to take hold.
We may have to contend with the possibility that confidence is at least as much a faith-based practice as it is an evidence-based practice.
This faith does not need to be reckless or blind, and it does not require that you abandon your critical thinking capacity. But it will probably require that you get some things wrong before you will be able to get them right. In a way, this faith is similar to that of the most visionary scientists: In order to prove or disprove your hypothesis, you will need to take some bold action and embrace every result as useful data.
For the past few years, I have been exploring how I can support my clients in taking confident action while also honoring the values of authenticity and integrity. Based on my findings, today I am sharing 10 self-trust practices for building authentic confidence.
Borrow evidence from other areas of life.
When I opened my first brick and mortar business, there were many days when I was paralyzed with the belief “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
In those moments, I reminded myself of my other accomplishments that also began with a learning curve, particularly the ones that had a relevant entrepreneurial skill set involved.
In a way, this process is a bit like submitting a resume and cover letter to yourself. I reminded myself that I had started a theater company, a videography business, and a freelance teaching career, that I had spent years cultivating my skills at writing, design, facilitation and customer service, and that all of those skills and experiences would help me with my new endeavor. I made the case to myself that I had a proven track record for being able to learn new skills as needed, and there was no reason I could not do that again.
Luckily, we all have evidence of our ability to learn, adapt and grow through our mistakes, starting from the moment we are born.
When my children are struggling with a new level of development, I remind them that they learned to walk through determination and the willingness to literally fall on their butts hundreds of times, and they can apply the same process to anything else they want to learn.
Integration prompts:
Where else in my life have I proven that I can trust myself to learn new skills and gain competence? What relevant experiences and qualifications do I have that make a case for my ability to succeed here?
2. Take imperfect action.
Perfectionism is the enemy of confidence, because it will not allow you to so much as try something if you think you might fail, which makes it impossible to prove your capabilities. If you are stalled out on meaningful action and trying to think your way out of it, chances are the next step is going to require you to do something imperfectly. This is similar to the concept of “fail fast”, which says that if we want innovative and effective solutions, we should strive to get something imperfect into the world quickly so that we can receive relevant feedback about where to focus our improvements.
Integration prompts:
What is one small, low-stakes action that I could take that relates to my goal? Am I willing to do it full out, even if I may not get it perfect on the first shot?
3. Let’s build a win/win world: Celebrate your wins, and start celebrating other people’s wins.
We have been brought up with confusing cultural messaging around confidence. On the one hand, we admire people who are confident, on the other hand, we are taught that it is wrong to brag or boast, and that we should not talk openly about where we are succeeding. This is particularly true for people who are conditioned in the margins of the white supremacist capitalist patriarchy (h/t bell hooks), who are often held to higher standards than their more privileged counterparts.
If we want to build confidence, we will have to start by noticing and appreciating our own efforts. The evidence that will build our confidence may be sitting directly in front of us, but if we have a habit of covering it up with humility and a negativity bias towards our own work, we will not see it.
We would also do well to practice celebrating other people’s wins. When we indulge in zero-sum thinking, jealousy, comparison, and judgment towards those who are making gains around us, we make it less safe to acknowledge our own success, because we will fear being judged.
I believe we can create a win/win world, and instead of seeing wins as threats we can see them as advancements that are good for everyone.
Integration prompt: Build a daily or weekly habit where you write down your “wins”. This is similar to a gratitude journal, but it focuses on the things you actually did that you deserve credit from yourself for. Where do you have evidence that you are succeeding in doing what you set out to do?
Bonus practice: Send a supportive or encouraging word to someone else who put in a winning effort this week.
4. Change your habit of self-deprecating commentary.
Part of my life philosophy is to avoid taking anything too seriously, especially myself. This can sometimes lead to an atmosphere of humor and playful curiosity, but it can also shift quickly into a habit of self-deprecating humor that reminds me of the brilliant Hannah Gadsby (whose Netflix special, Nanette, is one of the most important works to emerge from the past decade).
Gadsby says: “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor and I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.”
We tend to use self-deprecation when we are seeking permission from others, which indicates we have not yet stepped into ownership of our choices, and it undercuts our ability to cultivate confidence.
Integration prompts:
If you tend towards self-deprecation, spend the next week simply noticing when and where you do it, and work to interrupt the pattern. If you have a habit of saying “I don’t know”, try “I am working on learning that right now”, or “here’s what I think…”. If you have a habit of apologizing needlessly, work on eliminating “sorry” from your speech patterns except for when you are intentionally asking for forgiveness.
5. Embody your strength.
When we are stuck in “analysis paralysis”, the way out is almost always through the body, which does not share that struggle. We can embody confidence in a number of ways: vigorous exercise, strength training, yoga, pilates, dancing to empowering music, and so much more. In the chakra system used in yoga, confidence comes from the core of the body, the solar plexus.
Integration prompt:
Even as you sit here reading this article, you can practice this: How does it feel when you turn off your core strength and slouch into your seat? How does it feel when you activate the strength of your center and allow it to lift you up and support you? When we are seeking confidence, engaging physical support sends the message to our nervous system that we are strong and ready for anything.
6. Redefine what confidence looks and sounds like.
When I was in graduate school for theater, we spent a portion of every day with our voice teacher, who helped us explore our extended vocal range. The work was fascinating, and highlighted how our voice is a reflection of our self-concept and the identities we are most comfortable with. For those who are socialized as women, it tends to take practice to develop not just the physical capacity, but the psychological safety to speak in a low, deep voice. The reverse tends to be true for those with male conditioning. The wonderful thing about this work is that we approached it with neutrality, the main tenet being “all sounds are equal”.
It was then that I started to question the notion that the low, deep voice that we associate with a full grown man is necessarily stronger or more confident than the high, sweet or quiet tones that we associate with a little girl. My voice teachers were always encouraging me to speak with the power of a low voice, but meanwhile I had to wonder: Aren’t little girls every bit as powerful and confident as full grown men?
If we go back to the story of the emperor with no clothes (false confidence), wasn’t it actually a little girl who spoke up to point out the truth to that full grown man? She didn’t need to have any specific tone in her voice, she just needed to have the courage to use her voice in the first place.
What if our assumption that confidence looks and sounds like a strong, dominant man is, like most things, JUST THE PATRIARCHY.
Most of my clients who were raised as women actually think of their little girl self as a model for the self-trust and confidence they are learning to return to, reflective as it is of a time before their conditioning taught them to fear what other people would think if they showed up as themselves.
My point is, you get to decide what confidence looks and feels like for you. Use the voice you have, not the one you think you should have.
Integration Prompt: Explore the parts of your voice you don’t use very much: when we get to know the full range of our voice, we can express with more ease and intention.
7. Don’t try to do it all alone.
You know the story of the blind men and the elephant? The super quick summary: 3 men who are visually impaired are touching a different part of the same elephant and trying to figure out what it is. They all come up with unique assessments based on their part: “hose”, “giant leaf”, “tree trunk”. The story is meant to reveal that we usually can’t see the whole truth of something from where we stand, but when we combine forces and take in different perspectives we can understand things to a greater degree.
If any of the three of them had held back by saying “I’m not really sure”, that might have been the honest response but it wouldn’t have helped them figure out what they were touching. They had to be confident in their answer even though their answer was incorrect in order for the truth to be revealed.
I think this brings up an important point about the purpose of confidence. If it is only there to boost our ego and make us feel like we are right all the time, it is probably not doing us or anyone else much good. It’s just another self-protective armor we put on.
Authentic confidence is much more vulnerable than that: it requires that we trust ourselves and others and that we are willing to be wrong for the purpose of our collective advancement.
When we build our confidence in community, we can get further, faster.
Integration Prompt: Where can you add to the collective conversation, even if you may only be partially correct? Are you willing to accept feedback and debate to deepen the collective understanding?
8. Create physical environments that remind you what you are capable of rather than reminding you what you still have not done.
Most of us are more sensitive to the environments we are in than we realize. We are taking in constant bits of data from our environment, which influences how we think, feel and behave, but most of it never even registers in our conscious mind.
When I get busy and careless with my office space, for example, it can quickly become a museum of “Things that make me feel like I’m failing at life”. My curated collection of 3-month old to-do lists that are still too relevant to be thrown out, bills and notices I have yet to attend to, messy stacks of items to be donated, and journals full of brilliant ideas that have yet to make it out of their page, reminds me on an unconscious level that I am falling behind.
The overflowing trash bin is a daily reminder that things I no longer want in my life are still, in fact, in my life. On the days when I let myself slow down and take the time to clean, organize and attend to the small things, I always leave feeling more confident even if I have not done any of the “work” that would have moved my goal or project forward.
Integration prompt:
If you are stuck on something because you lack the confidence to move forward, try changing your physical environment to one that will be conducive to the mindset you seek.
9. Practice “good enough” confidence.
How will we know when we have “enough” confidence? It starts by having clear measurements: a goal or specific outcome you are trying to achieve. What is the thing you need more confidence in order to do? Rather than waiting until you’ve become this nebulous image of “a confident person”, you can decide to be confident enough to move forward today, right now.
You don’t have to wait until you have perfected your plan, you don’t have to wait until you have another degree, you don’t have to wait until your anxiety or your skin magically clears up, you don’t have to wait for permission. As we have already established, meaningful confidence is measured in action taken and lessons learned from that action, and little else matters.
Integration Prompt: What area of your life do you wish you had more confidence in? How much more confidence do you need in order to take action? How will you know when you have it?
10. Show up for yourself in the same way you would show up for others.
Authentic confidence comes from self-trust. In order to trust ourselves, we have to be someone who we would trust. When I teach on self-trust, I like to guide my students through a simple exercise: Think of 1–3 people you trust, and write down the qualities or behaviors they are displaying that make you trust them. Now do the same for 1–3 people you are less likely to trust.
These lists give you clues as to what you might need to do to earn your own trust. It will probably be a combination of how you take care of yourself, talk to yourself, set and uphold boundaries with yourself, and follow through on the commitments you make to yourself.
Integration prompts:
Try the exercise I detailed above, or try this variation: What are the things you do for someone else if you want them to trust you? Do you also do those things for yourself? If not, what is one commitment or action that would move you towards improved self-trust?